Monsters.

Today, I realized what kind of monster hopelessness breeds.

We had a fire drill, and while trying to herd the students back inside I got lip back from one of the kids I've worked the hardest for and with. While already trying to figure out how to get through my 77 minute lesson in 40 minutes, I was stressed and when his friend yelled "hey, what's MY name?!" I said "go inside."

"I will, when you tell me what my name is."

and I snapped. And I told a student that I didn't care what his name was. And the second those words came flying out of my mouth I saw it. I saw that I had become the kind of teacher who I hate. I would have screamed if someone had talked to my student that way. I was embarrassed that I'd lost my temper. I felt bad that I had implied to that student that he was worth less than the students that are in my class every day.

So after he went in, and I went in, I hustled after him to apologize for the way I'd spoken to him outside. "You were being trying, but you didn't deserve to be talked to like that, because no one does. I'm sorry." I said. To which he replied, "Fuck you, dumb cunt" and walked away down the hall.

I felt bad.
I still feel bad.
I don't really know what else to do.

This is the monster that prolonged hopelessness creates-teachers who snap, and students who can't take an apology.